I was asked by writer Kimberly Gomes to comment on the topic of Sex Ed. Kudos OC Family and Kimberly! Read on!
Sex Ed 101:Breaking The Family Silence
By Kimberly Gomes
SEX. Yes, I said it, but this time there’s no need to cover your little one’s ears. When it comes to this subject, parents often feel uncomfortable about the infamous “sex talk.” Various concerns pop up as they wonder what to say and when to stop – and if the talk gives the green light for sexual activity.
Even though you may not be an expert in basic sex education, don’t be alarmed; we’ve come prepared. Since knowing this information is critical to a child’s development, we’ve contacted a number of experts who can help you educate your child on this subject.
Despite misconceptions, sex should not boil down to one awkward conversation. Casual discussions need to be continual throughout a child’s life.
“Discussions should not be a preaching session, but an open discussion,” says Genie Schulz, O.C. mother of three. In order to create a gateway for open communication, it’s best to begin the discussion at a young age and progress as the child matures.
Identifying a child’s body parts as he dresses or bathes can be an important and natural introduction to sexuality.
“Parents should begin during infancy by properly naming the body parts, so by the time children are toddlers, they’re
comfortable with their bodies,” says SueAnn Ingersoll, advanced registered nurse practitioner of Laguna Hills.
Discussing the ownership of one’s body is essential when teaching appropriate touching.
“Children often begin to touch or play with their private parts in toddler-hood,” says Karen Child Ogden, licensed marriage family therapist and co-creator of the “Temptation Series for Tweens.” “It’s a good opportunity to talk with children about their bodies, about how touching makes them feel and what the family values and beliefs about sexuality are, including masturbation.”
As children mature, sex-related questions emerge; parents often assume the worst and panic. Remember to provide the amount of information based on the child’s maturity and curiosity level.
“Don’t pour a pitcher-full of information into a teaspoon of inquiry,” says Ogden.
“If they ask about something, ask them first what they see or think, and then respond,” says Ingersoll. “By doing so, you’ll understand where the child’s mindset is.”
Aside from child inquiries, parents need to seek opportunities to initiate informative conversations. Bring up a pregnant family member or use driving and television time to create a comfortable setting for sex talks without uncomfortable formalities.
Parents must take the first step and be direct during sex education.
“It’s important to foster communicative relationships, especially with pre-teens from age 8 to 12 years,” says Ingersoll. Participating in intimate discussions furthers the parent/child relationship and eliminates false information.
“There is no drawback with educating our kids about their bodies and about sex,” continues Ogden. “By doing so, we open communication, build relationships of trust and arm them for future relationships.” This is especially important in today’s sexualized techno-culture; misleading information can be attained at the click of a mouse.
“The benefits of discussing sex is that they’re being educated by you,” says Ingersoll. If parents avoid the discussions, children often attain misconceptions from their peers and the media.
Although it’s a common concern, demystifying sex does not encourage sexual activity. “This unfortunate thought process could not be further from reality,” says Schulz.
“It is a myth that talking with your kids about sex will make them more curious and more likely to engage in early sexual activity,” agrees Ogden. “We need to be the first to give them information so that they will develop healthy attitudes and expectations about sex.”
As a child develops, parents must recognize the need to unveil the secrecy around sex. Children should feel comfortable with this topic rather than feel that it’s taboo.
“Discussing the pros and cons of sexual behavior, morally and health-wise, is imperative to a young preteen’s mind,” says Schulz. “This discussion is not giving the green light; it is giving your child the tools of morality and safe sex.”
Parents may still feel uncomfortable with discussing the topic.
“If parents have a lack of communication with their child, I strongly recommend to start the communication slowly,” says Schulz. “It is important, first, to simply get to know your child. Build her trust. Ask her, on a day-to-day basis, how she is doing, how school is, how their friends are, without any judgment.”
Kimberly Gomes is an intern for OC Family magazine.
'THE TALK'
Ready to talk about sex with your child? Here are a few suggestions:
Be the first to give appropriate information.
Never shame a child for his or her curiosity.
Invite conversations about sex as often as possible.
Just because they’re not asking doesn’t mean they aren’t curious.
Have both parents equally involved in the discussion.
Helpful reading material for beginners
“Amazing You: Getting Smart About Your Private Parts,” by Gail Salz
“Your Body Belongs to You,” by Cornelia Maude Spelman
“My Body is Private,” by Linda Walvoord Girard
Source: Karen Child Ogden, MFT
